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Gay man over 40

More L. Affairs columns. Bars are not an option for me; they are bacterial breeding grounds for insecurity. I don't need that at this point.

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Dating is so vastly different now. People no longer talk, they text — incessantly. You have to understand, I stopped dating before the age of the Internet, so there have been 21 years in which a new infrastructure had been built up that I had not been privy to, but again, I am rallying. I have never had a "type" and in the past was attracted to those older than myself; they generally had more to say and I appreciated their knowledge and understanding of self. Now the rules have changed.

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Someone 20 years older than me would be in their 70s, so not the same feeling. And I am a really "young" I like Coldplay, can still make it up the trails at Griffith Park, have been known to savor a musical or two at the Pantages, and have a very open mind and heart. So the people I am conversing with are younger. When I say younger, I did not plan for a person in his mids to become part of my new landscape for the four months he did — and no, I did not pay for it. I have to give credit to this person, he was the first one in 21 years who got me to open my heart, as bruised and battered as it was.

Dating Opportunities for Gay Men over 40

It felt wonderful and painful and I was able to experience the Hollywood Bowl through a new set of eyes. We had a lot in common, but in the end, the age expanse made a difference. We spent many a night talking until 2, 3 in the morning, but I get up at 5 a.


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I remembered at that age, those were common hours to keep. I also found I had to explain pretty much everything; as intelligent as my friend was, he simply did not have the experience. So we're on hiatus, most likely permanently. I made a date with an esoteric 40s guy with a man bun whom I had chatted with for several months. He was great and an interesting guy, but lit up a bowlful on our first date at my Sherman Oaks home. I am not a judgmental person, but I decided this was probably not a good fit. I have had absolutely no problem having people express their interest in me, but I have to admit terms such as "papi," "daddy" and "sir" are not conducive of the lens from which I choose to perceive myself.

Dating in your 50s is very freeing; I have absolutely no neuroses about whether the people I meet like me or not, or whether I said the right thing, or if the clothes I wore on a date were the right choice. At this point in life, it is what it is. And I say, "love me, love my bald head. What I am finding is that my lifetime of experience, and all the joys, love, entanglements and, yes, pain, have made me a person of worth, value and strength. And I am finding that that is far more attractive to people than a set of six-pack abs. The author, who is a marketing professional, spends his time between Los Angeles and Palm Springs and is now dating someone he describes as "age appropriate.

Affairs chronicles the current dating scene in and around Los Angeles. If you have comments, or a true story to tell, email us at LAAffairs latimes. Click here for a Spanish version of this story.

Why Gay Men are Single

I got caught on AshleyMadison. I finally asked her: Are we dating, or just hanging out? Skip to content. He told me he was crazy about me. And then he dumped me.

By Ali Garfinkel. Mar 17, 7: Turns out, that couldn't have been further from the truth. I tried to break it off nicely. A few years later I moved to a bigger city to study. I made myself move because I knew it would force me to meet new people.

‘Honey, I’ve got a secret’ : When gay men come out to their wives

I thought otherwise I'd end up stuck on my own. But again, I felt isolated because I was living in student accommodation with five straight guys I didn't identity with. So the behaviors I'd already displayed at home just continued in a different city, with much less parental supervision. I made one gay friend, who I'm actually close to now.

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But back then, we didn't really talk about things. We didn't really have a proper friendship. We both liked the Spice Girls, and that was enough for me.

We'd just go out to bars together and get so drunk that we couldn't remember how we got home. During this time, I had a brief dalliance with bulimia. All that happened was I would take a lot of laxatives, and then experience a great deal of pain. But I just felt like I needed to feel something, and I needed to feel in control of how lonely I felt.

For me, alcohol was always the biggest problem. When I was 21, my first boyfriend broke up with me and I didn't have any coping mechanisms other than drinking. I just drank myself into oblivion—to the point where I got sacked from my bar job and had to take time off from my studies. I used alcohol for a number of reasons, but it was mainly so I could feel comfortable enough to go out and speak to people, and switch off everything going on in my head.

I think I drank so I could switch off the loneliness. Things finally got better when I was in my late twenties. By this time I was living in London and meeting people from different backgrounds and different parts of the world. Moving to a bigger city has been the best thing for me. For the first time I've been able to form a good group of gay friends and create my own support network.

I always thought finding a boyfriend would be a life-changer for me, but it was actually finding people on the same level as me, people with common interests. Lots of them are couples, but I guess that's just the way it is when you get to your late twenties and early thirties. I really do feel much more comfortable now. But that underlying fear of being alone and lonely, and all the resentment that comes with that, is still very much there. I don't think it ever really goes away.

I'm dating someone now but I still have that fear of being left—of someone just walking away and leaving me on my own again. Even though I've got so many positive things in my life—a great career, great friends, a nice boyfriend—it's always at the back of my mind.

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How to Cope When You're Gay and Lonely

The school where I teach has a partnership with an LGBT charity, so I've done work with kids and sexuality and equality. Some of the kids are like, "Why do we still need to do this? Those kids still have to work through the same issues, but there's more of a support network now, and more technology. When I was a teenager, the Internet was still in its very early stages. I'd go on gay chatrooms but that was just a faceless conversation with someone who could have been anyone.

It didn't make me feel any better.